Moving on.. Or maybe not!

It felt like I knew you guys forever.. So, that initial awkwardness or the need to make that first 'good impression' was never felt.. And we just transitioned from colleagues to best buddies effortlesly.. There was nothing that we couldn't discuss about.. Yours was the only company where I felt safe and where I let my guard down.. I could be myself.. You know the passive aggressive, sarcastic, unpleasant person that I usually am.. But still you accepted me.. Because you saw some 'good' in me.. So while I was this rather 'difficult' person to be around with I was still welcome among you all.. And you never missed an opportunity to make me feel special.. Be it by celebrating my birthday with all the fanfare that a 'homesick' girl deserves, or by making my favourite dish because I had access to only boring PG food.. Those 8 or 9 years of my life have been the best years of my life.. There's absolutely no doubt about that..

Those dinner meets where we would eat like we've never seen food before, the merciless teasing we put each other through, the trips we've had.. those countless memories of happy times we spent together.. we were the object of envy of the whole world.. How we would upload our pics on social media and feel secretly pleased that everyone was jealous of us.. If I knew that we would drift apart from each other I would never have uploaded those pics.. If I knew that getting angry with you people for meeting without me would one day drive you away from me, I wouldve never have fought with you for that.. If I knew that one day you would have enough of my sarcasm or mood swings I would've just hidden all those feelings just to ensure that you people are always part of my life..

But like they say "Good things always come to an end".. So also our golden friendship couldn't stand the test of time.. I've spent the past couple of years thinking over and over again about where I went wrong and what I could've done differently to ensure that we were still together.. I went through those 5 stages of grief that people usually feel when they have lost someone.. Honestly losing you people and your 'friendship' has been one of the greatest losses I have ever faced and something that still hurts.. So at first I was in 'DENIAL'.. I couldn't believe that we wouldn't be going out as a group again.. I know that you people still meet up.. Minus me.. anyway I spent probably 6 months in this stage.. Then I felt 'ANGER'.. Anger at you all for making me feel like I'm the best person in the world and then deserting me.. I felt anger at myself for having jeopardized our chances of living up to the cliche 'Friends Forever'.. I felt angry at anyone who would bring up you people and our legendary friendship.. I felt angry at my parents when they would inquire about you people.. Then after all the anger evaporated in the form of tears, I went into 'DEPRESSION'.. I used to hate it when people would tell me that 'I'm good enough' and that I'll get other friends.. I know I'm good enough.. But I was my best self when I was with you people.. You brought out my best jokes, my best songs, my best writing, and the best version of me.. So yes, I'm good enough.. But I didn't want other friends.. I just wanted you people.. But you people had probably had enough and didn't want me.. And that rejection hurt.. I have lost count of the number of times I have cried myself to sleep.. I couldn't bear to look at our group pics.. So I deleted them from social media.. But being the insecure person that I am I still kept a copy of all our pics on my hard disk.. I unfriended you people from FB, stopped following you on Insta, even went to the extent of deleting your contact numbers from my phone.. But I couldn't delete your phone numbers or your memories from my mind and heart.. And I hate you people for that.. I hated the hold that you had on me.. The depression was more from the fact that you people had so effortlessly moved on.. so from seeing pics of your meets minus me to seeing pics of your alternate groups of friends.. It made me wonder "Did I mean nothing to you people?" Was I so insignificant? Did you ever care for me? How can someone so effortlessly move on from so many years of friendship? Do you ever miss me like how I miss you? Do you suddenly see someone who reminds you of me? Do you suddenly remember a conversation which I was a part of and smile to yourself thinking about some joke we I cracked? Do you visit that shopping mall/pub and think about me? Do you miss me at all? I felt that the answer to all these questions were a big 'NO' from your side.. And that made my slide into depression faster and more painful.. And I thought going away to Hassan would ease the pain.. I would get some time at a far away place where I could heal.. But no.. It's just not possible.. The depression was still my constant companion.. And another friend who was trying to help through this tough time said that "I'm too naive to think that moving to Hassan would help me forget you guys.. Unless I made up my mind, I could go to the moon and still not be able to forget you guys'.. But that's the whole point.. I didn't want to forget you guys.. In my imagination we are still friends and have a whatsapp group named "LIKE THAT THAT IS" where we're planning our next trip.. Or making plans to visit me at Hassan.. Or tripping on me because I walk into a shop and buy 5 different coloured kurtas of the same pattern.. or also trip on me about not being able to plan an overseas trip because I don't have a passport... (Btw, I still haven't applied for a passport!) Which brings me to the next stage 'BARGAINING'.. So I spent a brief session bargaining with God and praying to Him to bring us back together.. I have told Him about how I will do things differently this time.. Probably not throw too many tantrums, not put up a price for meeting up with you people.. keep my insecurities to myself.. Not create a fuss if you meet without me.. and definitely apply for a passport this time..

But I know that we can't get back together.. Sometimes I feel the urge to just pick up the phone and dial your number 'Osama'.. but then I feel you would not want to talk to me.. so I resist the urge and just get back to my life.. which brings me to the final stage 'ACCEPTANCE' I need to accept that it was good while it lasted, but it wont come back again.. so I just need to be grateful that I got a chance to experience what others can only dream of.. It still hurts to see that odd picture of you people with your 'other friends'.. and it brings a dull ache when a common friend mentions about having gone out with you for lunch/drinks/a trip.. I'm possessive of the people I love.. that's not a trait that I'm proud of but yes, seeing you with other people makes me envious.. and I have on occasion told certain people that no matter what they mean to you right now they can never have the kind of relationship I've had with you.. This helps me try to accept that we may never get back together..

The thought of not being able to go out with you guys again no longer makes me cry.. I have stopped listening to all those songs that reminded me of you.. However, today when I heard Adele's "Don't you remember" it just opened the floodgates and I spent a better part of the evening crying over what I had lost.. Guess I need to take Adele off my playlist too.. ;-)