Happy Birthday Mummy :-)

Today would've been Mummy's 64th birthday had she been here with us.. However like she said, it's always the best people that get called to heaven early on.. So she's celebrating her birthday in heaven along with my brother.. 

My Mummy was a wonderful woman who enjoyed the simple pleasures of life.. a homecooked meal, reading books, stitching, embroidery, knitting and she loved tea and had endless cups of tea in a day..  She was an excellent cook and enjoyed cooking for her family.. Even when she made normal stuff like maggi it tasted just out of this world.. 

So I inherited none of her homely' hobbies, but I inherited her love for books.. She was a well read woman and had an excellent memory.. And she was an excellent teacher and was well respected and loved by all her students..

She was strict with me and my brother.. More so with me.. She had high expectations of me and growing up I had very little margin for error.. I used to resent it that she was so strict and kept tabs on all my activities..  When I was younger I would just dream of growing up, finding  a job and moving away from my parents' home.. I thought I would have all the freedom in the world to do as I please.. I couldn't have been more wrong..

Today I'm grateful that my mother was strict with me.. That she would expect me to excel at whatever I did.. That she would nag me to give everything I do, my best shot.. Because had she not pushed me I would never have reached where I am today.. Whatever I am today, I owe it all to my mom..

She loved me in a way only a mother can love her offspring.. She would look at me admiringly and always have a proud smile on her face whenever she saw me.. she taught me discipline, commitment, perseverance and consistency.. I think it was Lord Krishna who advised Arjuna to perform his duty without being attached to the results.. My Mummy followed the same principle and would always tell me to do my work and give things my best shot.. she would always ALWAYS tell me to never give up.. no matter how difficult things were for us growing up, my Mummy never deviated from her routine.. She was consistent as a professional and as our mother.. 

My Mummy never said "I love you" to me.. Her love was shown by cooking my favourite dishes, taking me shopping and buying me clothes, giving me things that I could make use of at my house.. Her love language was totally different and it was snatched away from me at a time when I was still trying to come to terms with my brother's sudden death.. 

Nothing can prepare you for the loss of your mother.. I mean, NOTHING! She died just 8 and a half months following my brother's death.. and my regret was that I wasnt a good daughter to my parents following the death of my brother.. My parents, especially my mother was grieving and I couldnt bring myself to have a proper conversation with her.. I was too consumed by my own guilt of having outlived my brother that it was very difficult for me to face my mother and see the grief in her eyes.. she was heartbroken and devastated and no one knew this better than me..

But even after my brother's death she made sure I went back to my routine.. I was posted in Mangalore at the time so she would ensure that she would cook for me everyday.. She would keep tabs on all my activities, ensure I was going to the gym, ensure that I went to office everyday, ensure I was reading books regularly.. she made sure that I was fine and then she left me..

At her funeral, when they were lowering her casket in the ground, my only question to her was "Mummy, why did you leave me?" A conversation I had with my mom a few weeks after my brother's death came to mind.. She told me that she never worried about me because she knew I was responsible and could take care of myself.. But she always worried about my brother because he was the brash/impulsive kinds..

So after the initial excruciating pain of losing my mother subsided it was replaced with a burning anger against her because I felt she abandoned me.. I spent the last 2 years on auto pilot mode being angry most of the time mainly at my mother.. I felt that my brother was her favourite child and this was shown when she died immediately after him, leaving me to fend for myself.. Of course over the course of a few grief counselling sessions I've found out healthier ways to express this anger, but the underlying feeling of abandonment still remains..

My mother taught me so many things about life.. She taught me to be independent and learn to do things for myself.. She used to tell me that the only person I needed was "myself".. She taught me everything about life.. In fact even after my brother died all that she did was to make me more resilient and ensure that I would survive even without her.. She made sure that I was okay and then thought that it was time to move on.. The one thing she didn't teach me was how to live life without her..

She was there with me through every major life change that happened in my life till now including my brother's death.. She was my safety net.. and was always around to listen to me vent, or crib about my situation.. 

But then I was transferred and a transfer is another major life change in a Bankers life and this time I would have to navigate through this change without my mother's presence.. I reported at my new place of posting on the eve of my brother's 3rd death anniversary.. The new place, culture etc being in an unfamiliar setting, not knowing the language or any of the people just became too overwhelming for me to handle and I immediately wanted to put in my papers.. That was my first thought when I reported here..

Then I remembered the woman who raised me and how she would feel hearing my thoughts of giving up.. I just thought what would my Mummy do in a situation like this.. and then I realised her entire life was like my present posting.. Working in an unfamiliar place, not knowing the language or the people, but despite every adversity she came out shining like a diamond.. I then decided I need to calm myself down, give this situation a few days time and then decide how to proceed..

Though my mother is longer with me her words are always ringing through my ears.. "Baba, did you go to gym today? Did you have dinner? What did you eat?"

But I miss the sound of her hearty laughter.. The sound of her laughter is the best sound in the world especially when she's laughing at my jokes..

Happy birthday Mummy.. I wish you were here and I could tell you about my funny stories and hear you laugh.. Raising a cup of tea in your honour and hoping you have loads of cups of Red label tea (sugarless) and samosas.. Rest in peace Mummy..

Love you always

Your Baba :-)