We never learn from our mistakes

When I reported here at Kochi, I had come with the clear goal of finishing my tenure and going back without making waves, friends and memories.. (not necessarily in that order) I was just getting over a a broken friendship with a close friend.. what people don't realise is that you don't just have to "get over" a failed relationship.. that probably is easier to get over since everyone around is sympathetic to a breakup.. no one gives a second thought if you say you're trying to "get over" a friend.. but a broken friendship is more difficult to deal with.. so I had just made my peace with how things between M and me are going to be and in the past one year I have made a conscious effort to let go.. I still care for her deeply but I just thought it would be prudent to loosen the grasp on the friendship and give M some breathing space.. 

The transfer order came at the right time I guess.. it was good to be in a new place and be able to have a fresh start.. so I was going on auto pilot mode.. Hostel-Office-Office-hostel.. and visiting the family back in Bangalore on a bi monthly basis.. 

Things were going normal and everything was fine until M (yeah! another M in my life, now at Kochi) made her appearance on the scene.. I would watch her from afar.. Communicate on a need to talk basis only and smile if we made eye contact.. It was okay.. She's normally the kind of person you would want to be friends with coz she's got that nice vibe going.. 

But I wasn't "interested" in her.. I wasn't interested in anyone infact.. I was here to do my job, get paid and go home.. But no no no no no.. God loves satire and he thought it would be good to have another M and me cross paths.. 

So anyway I would make a conscious effort to stay out of this M's way.. but it's quite difficult to not notice her.. She adds the glamour quotient to our office.. I love her Met Gala like sophisticated dressing, make up and hair in place, clothes without a single crease, the shiny black pair of sandals and a magnetic personality to boot.. You just cannot NOT notice this person.. Even I who am generally oblivious to a lot of things noticed her and quite often..

So it was a usual morning and I was at the gym and I hear a very familiar voice say "Hello" and I thought to myself "No this can't be true".. It was true.. it was M and her very nice vibe there at the gym.. and I thought wow.. God is serious.. I should get to know her.. but then I wore my "overthinking" cap and thought to myself all the reasons that this wouldn't work out.. 

I don't know Malayalam.. I'm not sociable.. I have a wry sarcastic sense of humour that people only close to me put up with.. I come across as a snob.. I don't want to get hurt again.. that was high on my list.. But you can't retract a bullet once the trigger is pulled so I found myself trying to make conversation with her.. few texts here and there.. enquiring why she didn't come to the gym on a particular day etc.. she seemed interesting.. so many nice things about her.. how when she's on an official call she's blinking too much, probably trying to make sense of what the other person is saying.. her dazzling smile, the way she says "no no no no no" is so cute.. the way she dances with gay abandon.. how she stands up from her place and makes eye contact with her friend and says a very commanding "vaa" asking her friend to come for lunch, her punch lines which are delivered with such finesse and they land perfectly that people around have a hearty laugh.. 

But I couldn't tell her all these things coz she finds that "flatterers are deceivers".. when she said that over a text msg that should've been my cue to exit this "thing".. but noooooooo.. I had to stay around and go ahead and tell her that I found her interesting.. and her question would always be "why do you find me interesting".. and I can't make out why I'm being asked this over and over again.. it's not that she doesn't know why she's interesting or what her good qualities are.. how does it matter why I find her interesting.. I couldn't figure out the why.. maybe I should be asking myself why I'm interested in a person who doesn't trust me.. who keeps asking me on repeated occasions why I find that person interesting.. why do I find this person interesting when she doesn't reply to my messages on time and if she does they're just monosyllables.. how to get to know such a person.. 

When they don't give you an in.. when they're repeatedly asking you proof that you and your intentions are genuine.. I've realised that for me the thrill lies in the chase.. I always seek out the emotionally unavailable person in the room and think well this person is the one I like and I'm going to make this person like me back.. 

I did that for 15 yrs with M... I no longer have the energy to go through it a second time.. sometimes wisdom also lies in the knowledge to know when to back off.. in this case I know I need to back off before I get hurt.. no matter how interesting M2 is, I need to chose protecting myself over trying to get to know her.. My mind knows these things.. But we never learn from our mistakes.. in this case I would still want to try and get to know her.. because I feel she’s worth the trouble.. because you don’t get to decide who you like.. there’s no logic to feelings..

It’s like Bob Marley said.. “The truth is everyone is going to hurt you.. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for”.. 

And why am I looking for more “suffering”.. because we never learn from our mistakes.. lol