Happy Birthday Paru..

My brother and I share the same birthday month.. His birthday is on April 3rd and I celebrate mine on April 23rd.. When we were kids I used to bully him saying I'm 5 years elder than him and hence I'm the boss and he should listen to everything that I say.. On one of his birthdays after I wished him he said to me "Now I'm just 4 years younger than you".. And I just burst out laughing.. Then I told him that on 23rd I will again be 5 years elder than him.. He said that doesn't matter.. Today I'm only 4 years younger than you.. 

This and countless other memories of him have flooded my mind during the past few months.. All those memories of undiluted joy and fun.. 

As a kid he was very naughty and cheeky and always knew how to make us laugh.. He would regale us with stories about his classmates, teachers and friends.. And all those tales would always make me laugh.. 

Of course we would also fight like cats and dogs.. You know, the usual bickering that occurs between siblings.. We would fight for the TV.. We would fight for who gets to hold my mom when we sleep.. Who gets the best pieces of chicken when my mom served us lunch.. Who gets more chocolates.. Who won the game of monopoly by cheating.. The list was endless.. During one such fight he said the word "Pitch!!!".. This ryhmes with an offensive word.. And I burst into tears and complained to my mom and he feigned innocence saying he just said the word "Pitch".. After weeks of racking my brains as to how to get back at him, when we fought again and he again said the word "Pitch" I retorted saying "Custard".. No points for guessing what this rhymes with.. People tell me that I have a good sense of humour.. I owe my witty comebacks and sarcasm to him because he gave me good practice during our childhood.. 

I also owe my love for English songs to him.. He introduced me to this local channel where we could dial in and request for our favourite songs to be played.. So during summer vacations we would spend all day listening to our favourite songs on this channel.. Even now there are so many songs on my playlist that he introduced me to.. 

Every summer vacation he would come up with something new.. One summer vacation he bought Table tennis racquets and said lets play table tennis.. So we would convert our dining room table into a TT table and use my mom's collection of books as the net and spend hours playing TT.. The game would stop when we would start fighting about who won by cheating whom.. 

The next summer vacation I became creative and made the Monopoly board game myself on a piece of Chart paper complete with cards of properties/hotels etc and also the currency required to play the game.. Again we would spend hours playing monopoly and the game would end when he would get annoyed that I'm winning and he would just overturn the monopoly board and ensure the dice and coins and currency are strewn all around the room and swear to never play with me again.. 

Then he came up with a novel idea to avoid our fights for the TV.. He introduced me to this TV Channel called "Cartoon Network" and I got hooked and then used to spend all our free time watching cartoons together with him.. We both loved the cartoon show Scooby-Doo.. And all other shows like "Captain Planet", "Power Puff Girls", "Johny Bravo", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", 'The Road Runner Show", so on and so forth.. 

So while we reached a truce regarding control of the TV we still had fights over other things and he would end all these fights by calling me "Boddi Kamala".. This is a term endemic to Mangalore and is usually used to refer to someone who's on the heavier side.. and it used to annoy me when he called me that especially since I was so thin during my school days.. Anyway, so when my brother knew that this used to irritate me he used to keep calling me that.. After a few weeks he just started calling me "Kamala" and it used to irritate me even more.. 

During one of our fights he told me that I'm adopted and he's my parents own child.. For all my show of strength and maturity this line from him shattered my world and I immediately went to my mom and asked her if I'm adopted.. She calmly told me that's not true and that my brother was just pulling my leg.. So he was like that.. Cheeky, annoying and infuriating as hell and he knew which buttons to push and he would drive me up the wall.. But he was also the best part of my childhood.. My partner in crime, my confidant and my constant companion who would keep me entertained and ensure that there was never a dull moment with him around..

He was also an excellent artist.. He used to make lovely pencil sketches.. I remember I used to flip through the pages of his art book and admire all his sketches.. I wish I had kept that book of his.. 

He was also also very fond of make up items.. So he would save up money and buy face creams and hair gels and perfumes.. His choice of everything was loud.. Bright and flashy clothing, strong perfumes, music with loud and heavy beats.. He was a foodie and loved non vegetarian food and used to hate it when there was only vegetarian food served.. 

He loved animals.. He would order food for our Dog the day he didn't eat what was served to him.. He pampered our pets too much.. 

He was a kind, generous and an excellent human being and I've never heard him crib about anyone or say anything unkind about anyone no matter how shitty the person is.. 

And it's heartbreaking for me to write this because today he's not amidst us.. We under estimate the role of a sibling in our lives and I now realise that the only reason I didnt really feel the need for having friends while growing up was because I had him.. He was my constant companion who stood by me like a rock during our childhood.. 

So when we lost him our world just crashed.. He was the apple of my mother's eyes and a source of great strength to my dad and also the better sibling between the two of us..  The guilt of having outlived him is too much for me to bear.. 

So last week I was feeling particularly low thinking about how I will get through his first birthday after his passing.. I usually avoid sleeping in the afternoons because then I will find it difficult to fall asleep at nights.. but last Saturday I just fell asleep in the afternoon and he came in my dream.. He took me to his house which he has taken on rent in the same colony where my parents stay.. And I spent some time with him and I don't remember the conversation we had but when I woke up I felt at peace.. and I was happy seeing him in my dream.. Maybe it's because I was thinking about him too much or maybe it's my mind's way of processing my grief of having lost him or maybe he came in my dream to tell me he's fine.. Whatever the reason I was just sooooooo happy seeing him, it almost felt like he is still with us..

When he died a lot of people told me that he's in a better place.. I used to hate it when people said that.. I still feel his "better place" is here with us, in the midst of his family and pets and the people he loved.. Until now I used to believe that whatever happens to us is because God is doing it for our good.. But when my brother died I couldn't understand God's wisdom behind this decision of taking him away from us so abruptly.. I still cannot believe it that my brother's gone..

The thing about losing someone is that they don't die just once.. They die everyday.. Every day there is some trigger that makes me relive the whole episode of my brother's passing right from that call from my dad when he told me that my brother's gone, to the whole nightmare of bringing his body back from Bangalore to Mangalore, to seeing him lying in the morgue looking so peaceful and calm, to seeing my dad place the white cloth on his face before they closed his coffin to seeing his coffin lowered to the grave.. 

Earlier I would scoff at movie scenes where a person goes to the grave of a loved one and talks to the deceased person.. But having lost my brother I now know that it's kind of therapeutic to visit a person's grave.. I always end up crying when I visit his grave but I still go anyway.. I wish he was still here.. I would give anything just to hear him call me offensive names or tell me that I'm adopted.. I just want him back..

Owing to health reasons, I decided to try and eat healthy.. So I decided to follow some diet suggested by my doctor.. My brother knew about this and during my absence just made his usual cheeky remark saying, "No matter what she does or eats she'll still look like a pumpkin".. My mom told me this after he passed away and we laughed so much about his mean joke about my diet.. I wish he was here so I could make mean jokes about his waist size.. But he's not and it's heartbreaking for me to have lost him so suddenly and without having a chance to say good-bye.. 

I'm just thankful that I got to spend time with him during the last year.. Thanks to Covid and him working from home and my transfer to Mangalore I got to spend one whole year with him, seeing him almost daily..  I just wish I was a better sister to him.. 

Happy happy birthday Paru.. I hope heaven has a stock of your favourite food and beer.. I'm raising a can of Budweiser in your honour.. 

We love you and miss you terribly.. Happy birthday once again to my Angel in heaven..

Forever 31!!!