A bookstore, two bags and a lesson on grief..

Today is my mother's death anniversary..

It's been four years since she left us.. And contrary to the popular saying that "life goes on", I don't think it really does..

If you've lost a parent, a sibling, or someone who was a huge part of your life, you'll probably understand what I mean.. You don't "move on".. You simply learn how to carry the loss.. Over time, you get better at functioning, smiling, working, laughing.. while quietly grieving in places where no one else can see..

Anyway, this isn't a sympathy post..

In fact, I was telling a friend today that I'm done playing the victim and dwelling on the fact that life hasn't always been fair to me.. We all have our share of battles.. Today isn't about seeking sympathy.. It's about remembering my mom.. It's about being grateful that I got to have her in my life for 37 wonderful years..

Birthdays and death anniversaries of my mom and my brother have always been difficult for me.. If I can, I usually avoid going to work on these days.. But today that wasn't possible..

So I did the only thing I could.. I prayed for the strength to get through the day..

And I did..

Work kept me occupied for most of it.. There was a brief moment when I broke down, but after that I was okay.. I reached out to a couple of friends who know what today means to me.. One suggested I leave work early and spend some time at Church or visit a bookstore..

The bookstore won..

Anyone who knows me knows that books are my happy place.. More than that, they're one of the strongest connections I still have with my mom.. She was the one who introduced me to the joy of reading.. She encouraged me, pushed me, and when required, nagged me into reading more.. One piece of advice from her has stayed with me all these years: "Read every day.. even if it's just one or two pages.."

So after work, I walked into a nearby mall and spent some time in the bookstore.. I wandered through the aisles, looked at books, remembered some of my mom's favourite authors, and smiled at how different our reading tastes actually are..

The only problem was that I'd come straight from work.. I had my handbag and my laptop bag with me, and after a while they became too heavy to lug around while browsing.. So I simply placed both bags in a corner of the store and continued walking around..

And it felt.. lighter..

I could browse properly.. Pick up books that caught my eye.. Read the blurbs.. Lose myself among the shelves.. Eventually, I bought a few books (which, naturally, are now joining the ever-growing pile of unread books that book lovers proudly call their TBR)..

And as I walked back to my hostel, something struck me.. I'd left my bags behind without giving it much thought.. I knew exactly where they were.. I knew I'd come back for them.. But for that little while, I allowed myself to enjoy something without carrying their weight..

And somewhere along that walk, it hit me..

Maybe that's how grief works too..

Maybe when life feels unbearably heavy, I don't always have to carry every emotion with me every single minute of the day.. Maybe it's okay to put that weight down for a while.. Not because it no longer matters, but because carrying it constantly can become exhausting..

The grief will still be there..

I can always come back to it..

Today I realised I have a choice.. I can carry my grief everywhere and let it weigh me down.. Or, when it becomes too much, I can gently set it aside, allow myself to breathe, laugh, read a book, enjoy a quiet moment.. and then return to it when I'm ready..

The grief isn't going anywhere.. After all, grief is just love with nowhere to go..

I will never "get over" losing my mom.. She was, and always will be, the most important person in my life.. Her absence will always hurt.. But I owe it to her and to myself to keep moving forward.. To live by the values she taught me.. To keep making memories that I know she'd be proud of..

I hope she's happy wherever she is.. 

And I hope, every single day, that I'm becoming the person she raised me to be..

I love you, Mummy..

I miss you more than words can ever say..

With all my love, 

Baba ❤️

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